I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
cat food counts as protein by the way
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Boobs speak an international language.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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