Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
