Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
