Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
