I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
