I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
