Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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