so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
