he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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