Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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