So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
