Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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