last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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