My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
