I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
