I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you traded sex for a burrito?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
