She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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