Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
