Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
