You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
