Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
