Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We don't watch enough power rangers
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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