The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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