just tell him i said nine months
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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