I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
