Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
