Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
