I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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