I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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