Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
