You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
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