I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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