you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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