there's paper in my vomit.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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