you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
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