I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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