you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
