How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
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just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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