Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
