if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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