Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
