a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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