I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we're making bets on your personal life
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
