Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just tell him i said nine months
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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