in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
