Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
