tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
