I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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