I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
