I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My feet surprised me
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