9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I need a burrito and a hug.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
