Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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