I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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