Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
God, I missed his penis.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
