dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
