dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
